My father and Uncle made a deal. Uncle Ted would train me to drive and my dad would train my cousin Tammy. Both of our fathers said that they'd end up killing us if they had to train their own so they switched and it was a lot easier.
I was 15 and had my learners permit and I swear that I was invincible with it. All I needed was a theme song and I would swoop in and save the day or some such crap. It wasn't like that but the voices in my head were trying to get me killed so a new take on this training thing was in order.
It was the end of the day at Southtown Flower Shop and it was time to go home. The plants were watered, the guard dogs were fed and released to roam and guard the grounds, the doors were locked and the alarm was on.
Uncle Ted threw me the keys to his van and said you drive and don't make me spill my drink! Way Cool! I get to drive! He had a 16 oz tumbler that was full of seltzer water or so I thought. We started down the street and turned to go south when he told me to get on the expressway. This would be my first time on I-94 and I was scared. We call it the Chicago 500 for a good reason. He said don't worry. Just gas it and catch up. I did and noticed that he was mixing another drink. We hadn't gone 1/2 a mile and he was done with that glass. Then I noticed that he was pouring gin. Oh hell, I'm going to get a DUI before I get my license. We hit a bump and he spilled a little and he told me to "Watch it ya little bastard!"
We exited off of the expressway and we were going west now. He was feeling no pain at all and he was even laughing about something. I don't know as I don't understand drunk speak. We got to about 1 mile from his house and he was pouring yet another drink! I remember thinking how much can this guy hold? He was laughing and giving pointers and I made sure that I didn't spill or have him spill another drop.
We turn down is block and pull down the driveway. He was supposed to mow the lawn but he didn't feel like it so he got drunk while having me take him home.We stopped when we entered the garage and he poured himself out of the van and staggered into his house. He came back out and flipped me a couple of bucks and said thanks for not being an asshole. I may have done something right but I couldn't tell what it was.
So now I'm thinking that all of my training is going to be like this and that would be easy. Aunt Lorraine had a different take on it and thereby so did Uncle Ted. So the next time we drove home, he didn't drink but he told some of the nastiest and grossest jokes that I ever heard. Good old Uncle Ted! What's that? You want to hear one? Ok but be warned.
A guy walks into a bar and he's in need of a drink but does not have money. He tells the bartender that if he doesn't get a free drink, that he'll drink the spittoon. The bartender tells him to go away. The drunk picks up the spittoon and brings it closer to his lips. No deal. He brings it closer still. No deal. The other patrons are starting to notice now. He puts it to his lips and mumbles. The bartender says no deal. He starts to drink. People are running out of the bar gagging and puking. The bartender says OK OK, you can have a drink, just stop drinking that! He kept going and making a lot of chugging noises. The bartender again offers some drinks and he doesn't stop. Everyone is gone, there's vomit all over the place and the bartender almost passes out. After about three minutes he stops drinking form the spittoon, and put sit down with a satisfying "Ahhhhhh" and wipes his chin with his sleeve. The now queasy bartender pleads with him and asked why he didn't stop. The drunk looks at him and said that he wanted to but couldn't because it was all one long string!
Warned ya.
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